Time and time again, I have been sat at home on my own wondering why the hell nobody has messaged me in days. With anxiety, I won’t be the first to message if there has been no contact in some time. It makes me nervous and when I can sense people drifting, I usually let it happen. When one door closes, another opens but when that door closes it can be painful and tricky. Lately I’ve been making my own decisions- to cut those out of my life that are toxic or poisonous to me and it has done me the world of good. However, it can get lonely. You’re not going to make or replace friends within twenty four hours. And I’ve learnt that sometimes those that claim to be your best and most dear friends, actually aren’t. Sometimes, people will use you and only come to you when they have nobody else or need a pick me up but will forget you any other time. This isn’t a healthy environment and it has taken me years to understand that.
I have been lucky enough to form some amazing bonds with some incredible people. Some lovely friends who live a while away from me, which means it’s not always easy to see them. Because of this, it’s not always accessible to get there which is inconvenient at times but I know if I ever message them, they will be there and I appreciate that with my whole heart and I will do the same. But being stuck in a small, idle town where all your friends are at Uni and you’re on a gap year, is boring. The first few months I was envious- I wanted to be there with them and if I knew they were out drinking, I would have a drink on my own just so I felt virtually there because I didn’t want to miss out. Then one night I realised how ridiculous that was. I don’t have to miss out just because I spend a lot of my time in solitude with myself, I can still have fun and enjoy myself.
My dream has always been Journalism, although I’m stuck on which route to go down after researching entertainment journalism all summer. But this summer, I found my new passion: promoting body positivity, in particular for girls in recovery from abusive and hostile situations and disorders. Having suffered with things such as anxiety and eating disorders in the past, I decided to take photos of my size twelve-fourteen body and promote diverse body shapes and show that loving yourself is important, as everybody is beautiful no matter what their shape is. The response to this blog was an incredible one even though it no longer exists- I had to close it down due to sad circumstances. But one of the girls asked me why I was so confident in myself and I simply told her, “I’ve become my own best friend.”
Fair enough, I can’t give myself advice or tell myself to stop tripping. But I can take myself to coffee and treat myself to a mocha from time to time whilst I read my favourite novel or get on with some work. I can learn new things, I have a lot of energy to learn and adapt and by spending a lot of time with myself, I can crack open a book and learn a new trade. I love to cook, it relaxes me and makes me feel so happy and when I have time alone, I like to learn and try different cuisines. Recently, I’ve been experiementing with traditional Japanese dishes like ramen and making super healthy Asian inspired soups for my grandad.
I can take the time to go to the cinema by myself, I’m an ex media student. I took film studies, I take note books and jot things down which I liked, so if one day Empire magazine decides to hire me, I will have those notes as a memory.
I know that I’m not always going to best friend-less, but for now that’s for the best. I don’t want to be played around or used or lied too. But this is the best time in my life for it to happen. I’m on a gap year, this is my time to learn and experiment and develop myself before I move away from home and start a degree. By spending more time with myself and treating myself, I can learn new things and encourage the growth of my personality which I think is completely healthy for my age. We are only young once and I think I’m nourishing myself and learning to love myself and trying new things. I’m glad I’m comfortable with me and I’m glad I’m my best friend.