Becoming Nineteen: Embarking on the Past Year

I feel like in a space of a year, I've done so much and it's gone by in a millisecond. When I became Eighteen, I was so doubtful and anxious as a person- I didn't see hope anywhere as I had been on a rollercoaster for the years before. In truth, I felt lost and was hoping that something would guide me to the right path. I acted up and made some really bad decisions which affected me incredibly after my eighteenth birthday, I was putting myself into self destructive turmoil to deal with emotions I hadn't tried to deal with. In some kind of odd positivity, this led me to an epiphany which made me turn my life around for the better. My focus became on work, blogging and being the best version of myself I can be- even if I am broke, exhausted and some days I'm not the best, I can at least see myself as someone I like and would like to be friends with.

I realised that it doesn't matter what people think of me, it matters what I think of me. I don't want to be somebody who I can't respect, I had to put myself first and make selfish decisions in order to realise why I do things- I feel like I've reflected a huge amount on the reasons why I do things and their effects so I can help the issues.

That aside, I've also realised that I'm allowed to have fun and do what I like. Two years ago, I was in a relationship where I was so restricted and gaslighted, not doing anything became second nature. It took another two years to realise that it was okay if I wanted to go out and have fun, if I wanted to go on adventures and explore. I could do whatever I pleased, so I did. I've been on many adventures, I've been to different cities, villages, I've seen new places and conversed with unique people from around my own country. I was a tourist in my own home, I learnt more about what it means to belong somewhere.

I fell back in love with things I had left behind whilst confused and a mess, I picked up my guitar and notebook again and found creative haven in some old habits. I realised that after so much self doubt and insecurity, there was never anything wrong with me. Sure we have our flaws, but I was meant to have them. They were supposed to be a part of me and now I can flaunt them like the rest of myself, I'm as proud of them as I am my best traits.

I am sure of who I am and who the people in my life are- I am filled with trust, peace and happiness. Of course, I still have my struggles but they seem a little bit more worth it than they did last year. I guess it's because now I know I can jump over every and any hurdle.


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